Agoraphobia and Me

I had my first anxiety attack at the age of 15.  I didn’t know what was happening, all of a sudden my heart was racing 500 miles an hour and I couldn’t breathe.  My dad rushed me to the hospital where they monitored me for a few hours and then gave me some Valium to relax me. That was my first anxiety attack. For the next few years I would have them occasionally and I really didn’t think much about it. I lived a normal life, going to school, working and doing everything a normal teenage girl would do.

After Alex was born in 1989 I had postpartum depression, but figured it was just normal for someone going through so many changes all at once.  Getting married, moving into our own apartment, and having a baby all at the age of 19.  Shortly after the postpartum left, I started having full blown anxiety attacks and ocd symptoms.  I was afraid of germs, food, and things being tainted.  Brien became my food tester.

I still deal with some of this.  If something even remotely looks like it has been tampered with I will throw it away.  The list goes on with rituals that I must go through to do certain things.  Mostly these things involve things that go into my body.  Medication for example.  Before I will take anything prescribed or over the counter I will read the packaging in detail.  If it is from a pharmacy I will go online and make sure the pharmacist filled the prescription correctly, I will compare the pills in my bottle with the picture online.  If it doesn’t look the same I will call the pharmacy.  So far they haven’t ever goofed up. 

There has been periods of time where my anxiety hasn’t been as bad, but no real reprieve from it.  It is very tiring, all that worrying for nothing.  I have died at least 5 million times over the last 19 years, just ask Brien, the poor guy will confirm this.  I know as an outsider this all sounds crazy, even to me it does but that doesn’t stop my brain from causing irrational thoughts and sensations in my body.

As the years progressed it has gotten better in some areas and worse in others, I do not like wide open spaces.  I have trouble crossing the street by myself, so if I walk really close to you when crossing the street or grab your arm it is my way of dealing with this issue. I remember one of the most humiliating times of my life.  I was picking up pictures from Olan Mills. I got to the curb of the parking lot and could not for the life of me get across the street.  I actually had to ask a stranger to cross the street with me.  I got in my car and cried the whole way home.  I also do not like parks.  I do not mind them if I can find a building or tree to stand under, but my days of running in the park or flying a kite are long gone. It is sad, one of my favorite things to do as a kid was to spin around real fast and then lay down on my back and watch the world spin.  The thought of doing that now makes me hyperventilate to say the least.

I got my driver’s license when I was 17, I would have had it the day I turned 16, but my mom would not sign for me because I was living with my dad.  Finally at 17 and a half she signed over custody to my dad and I got my driver’s license.  I loved driving.  I would drive everywhere by myself any time of the day or night.  I was definitely not a home body.  Even after getting married, I continued to be the one who always drove. I chalked it up to the major car accident I was in at 13 and that I felt I had to be in control of my situation at all times.  Brien didn’t mind, in fact he preferred me to drive.

Over the last 8 years I started having trouble driving especially by myself.  I started having rituals with my driving as well.  I  never liked being first at a light and I always wanted to be behind someone.  I dealt with it and I still was the one driving.  Then in January of 2005, I got lost out on the 303, my cell phone wouldn’t work and I started panicking. Finally after turning around, my cell phone worked and I was able to call my dad who talked me through it.  Once I was in familiar territory I was fine.

After this incident it seemed my anxiety started to spin out of control, I quit my job in May of 2005.  That was probably the worst thing I could have done. By July of 2005 I could hardly even get in a car without having an anxiety attack.  The only good thing that came out of this time period is that I relied on my dad a lot more.  My dad lived with us and Brien worked nights, so my Dad and I would go to the grocery store together and he would take me wherever I wanted or needed to go.  I am thankful for that time, had I been independent I would not have spent so much time with him the last year of his life. We would have the best father-daughter talks.  It was great!

Fast forward to now.  I have driven a few times with Brien in the car. For a while I only felt comfortable if my dad or Brien was driving, but now I have expanded my drivers list.  I even made it to the retreat last year which was a major accomplishment for me.  My goal is to be able to drive by myself again by the end of the year.  As I type this my heart is beating fast and I am actually shaking.  I think it is the whole process of sharing this with the world that is causing me this distress. I will be o.k.

You might ask why I felt like opening up about this situation.  I need people to understand where I am coming from.  If I act a little strange or have some bizarre behavior I need you to know why.  It is a very hard thing  to put myself out there, knowing that some might talk and/or reject me because of this.  I pray that is not the case.

You may wonder where I put God into this whole thing.  I do trust God with my life, I know He knows my future and will not give me anything that I cannot handle.  Sometimes I argue with Him about this, but for whatever reason God has allowed this into my life, I still know He is in control.  My brain might not always know that but my heart does. I ask for your prayers that God would take this away from me, that I could regain my life and have some normalcy back.

Thanks for listening,

Donna

Agoraphobia

SYMPTOMS

The essential feature of Agoraphobia is anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having a Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.

Agoraphobic fears typically involve characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.

A person who experiences agoraphobia avoids such situations (e.g., travel is restricted) or else they endure with significant distress or with anxiety about having a Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms. People with agoraphobia often require the presence of a companion.

Anxiety or phobic avoidance in agoraphobia can not be better accounted for by another mental disorder, such as Social Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to social situations because of fear of embarrassment), Specific Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to a single situation like elevators), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (e.g., avoidance of dirt in someone with an obsession about contamination), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (e.g., avoidance of stimuli associated with a severe stressor), or Separation Anxiety Disorder (e.g., avoidance of leaving home or relatives).

Agoraphobia is generally not diagnosed if Panic Disorder has already been previously diagnosed. As with all mental disorders, the symptoms listed above are not due to the direct physiological effects of a use or abuse of a substance (e.g., alcohol, drugs, medications) or a general medical condition.